I was supposed to write a really funny blog today. About hilarious things that have happened recently and people who I've met. But instead, quite serious thoughts invaded my mind.
How is it that even the people you love, have to go through hard times? The people who don't really deserve it.
I talked with my grandmother today, on the phone. I really love hearing her voice because she is mine. She is my granny and once she took great care of me. And I'm not one of those to forget.
I don't like to listen young people talk shit about their grandparents. There can be some silly moments that are innocent and make you laugh, but I don't like when things get a bit too cruel.
Anyway, she told me that she hasn't been feeling well and her health is a bit off the road.
Yeayea, I know, everyone says that old people talk a lot about their medical condition and stuff, but not my granny. She hardly ever mentions things like that. And now she did & I'm worried.
Last time I saw her, she was making jokes and laughing and suddenly she mentioned how she can't see with her left eye at all anymore and how sometimes it's a bit difficult to manage some things as if it is the silliest little thing in the world...and I swear...I got this pain in my heart listening to her....and it hasn't gone away. Even writing about me makes me cry, and I'm no cry-baby.
I just...I think that God or whoever made a big mistake by letting old folks suffer with their health. My granny held me in her lap each time I got hurt. And now when she is hurt, I can't do anything. I can't even turn back the freakin' clock. Unfair. Unfair. So unfair.
I wish I could hold her until the pain goes away. And I wouldn't mind if she'd wep. I'd tell her how outside birds sing on the trees and how sun keeps getting warmer and warmer because the summer is coming.
I guess I'm just so afraid of losing her that it really makes me lose my mind. I can't even say it out loud because it is way too hard to put into words. And you can't go and tell somebody that you feel sorry for them, either. Because people don't need to hear it. I think. I feel it wouldn't help.
But I feel so sorry. I feel so sad. And I'm responsible for her age. Me and my brother and my father and we all...
We made her older. And I just can't stand hearing how bravely she talks. Like when she broke her rib on the bus. She wanted to go off and somebody, a random man, pushed her. And she fell and broke a rib. And then went home and just sat all night, because she couldn't move and it hurt and she didn't want to disturb anyone.
My brave little grandmother.
My love.
Maybe she knows that when she talks about these things, we all suffer more than she did. I can see it in my fathers eyes.
For me she is the ultimate number 1. Nobody can take her place. And I know lots of superb people, but really, if...I should be born again and I could choose who to take with me, only one person. Then she would be that person.
She was my first love and she will be my last love. And I'm so so scared of the time between those 2. Especially when she is not there for me anymore. It will hurt like hell.
It already does and it's stupid, because she is perfectly happy and I am happy and everyone is happy and nothing is wrong and I should enjoy the time we can spend together and talk about the stuff we've done together.But sometimes these little sad thoughts inside of me need to get out too. So this post is for you, my dear sweet grandmother.
Temale ma valaksin sinised silmad selgest j�rveveest
ja tema juuksed, ma teeksin kuldsed kui hommikune p�ike
tema s�dant ma ei muudaks, see ongi juba k�rjemeest
ja armastan ma teda, sest ta teab me salajasi k�ike
Kas olen �elnud, et ma jumaldan ta v�ikseid krobelisi k�si
sest mu pead nad hellalt hellalt silitamast siiani ei v�si
Telekava vahele ta kirjutab mu numbri igal �htul
et ei unuks helistada enne kui ma l�hen p�hku
S�da t�mbub krampi m�eldes temale mul iga kord
nagu uluks hingeks metsikute koerte hord
Tema naeratus on nagu viiekordne sirel ilus
Tema liigutustes graatsia kui juukseid silub
Selles luuletuses tema
on mu kallis vanaema
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Mai
Thursday, 1 May 2008
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