There is a girl who is very scared of mankind.
She is scared and at the same time worried. She is worried about what will become of this world she is living in. What will become of other people who live in that world. There is a girl who is terrified of mankind.
She is looking into fire at a grillparty during night. And on the flames she sees the reflection of his father drinking cognac. What a beautiful beautiful colour is the colour of cognac.
And she lifts her eyes and meets her best friends' grandfathers eyes. And then he looses the ground beneath his feet. He loses the ground because that night he found the colour of vodka to be more beautiful than the colour of his wifes eyes.
Soon the girl goes into car and they drive home. She and her parents. And the moon is almost full.
And in that car the girl realizes who much it hurts when her father reminds her how much evilness he has in his heart. Or lack of goodness as somebody once told her. You can name it as you want.
And the girl is not insulted by the words her father throws at her. Nor does she get offended by the little kicks on the back of her chair, as she is sitting in the front, next to the driver who is her mother. And she doesn't even make a sound when her father pulls her hair.
The weird thing is that she doesn't feel angry at all. She is an adult now and she has the right to get furious. But no. And she is not scared either. Not anymore.
When she was little she was scared, she was terrified. And her eyes were always full of tears at moments like these. But this time the feelings are different. No anger, no fear.
Instead her tears tell of deep deep sadness in her heart.
She is sad because of her fathers' heart which contains so much evilness. So much hatred. So much anger.
And tears fill her eyes. Just like when she was little. Because her love, her father... he is just like everybody else.
And she feels she can never feel safe around men. Because her safe place, her safe feeling...her fathers' lap... is not safe at all.
She used to love him. She always loved her. But she also noticed how cold and angry he could be. How little he sometimes cared about the things she found important.
She always thought that he is just tired, he is just a silly little dad who doesn't quite understand what a girl could feel.
But she grew up and found other men to be like that too. When in deep trouble, then they kind of faded away. They did not care. They did not give a shit anymore. And their hearts were so cold as they never really had been hot at all.
She stays up all night, watching the almost full moon. And she understands that the people she wants to talk the most - men
they will laugh at her.
They will laugh at her silly little thoughts and they will mock the way she gets so timid when she speaks. They will feel bigger and stronger and better. And they will make her feel like a dog.
And dogs sleep outside.
And she wont even mention it to those different from her own sex. Because she knows it is not nice to preach others. And nobody wants to hear bad things. Besides you can never judge everybody by just a few samples.
But then she realizes that there have been more than just a few.
She also realizes that she could tell all the men in the world what she thought about them and their hearts but it wouldn't change a thing. Because for some reason something or someone between big fluffy white clouds...has set those things like this. For some reason that something or someone thought that this is how things should be and that little girl can cry as much as she wants.
That scares the girl. She is scared of how she is going to live on.
And the moon is almost full.
Suddenly she understands that... when some time ago she gave her heart to somebody and was then left alone brutally...Left to cry her thoughts into seas and oceans...Then she thought that some people just have very cruel hearts. Very cold hearts.
And now... she understands ... that same kind of heart has always beat right next to hers at home. That same heart gave her a life.
And that just takes all the safeness away from the world. There is just none left. When the person who made you... is just like others.
The next day the girl came home to her apartment. Soon she fell asleep in her bed, trying to forget what she had thought about the night before. She really had slept only a few hours so she was very tired.
She woke up to the sounds of men shouting. She tried to fall asleep again but it was useless. They kept shouting and she kept tossing and turning.
Suddenly she could bet she had heard crying. A little child crying somewhere. And she got up instantly. Because every girl would do that. Every girl in this world is supposed to be a mother one day.
She got up and went to the window. She opened it and looked down.
Infront of her house was a parking lot and there were 3 guys looking up and shouting: "Come on...get down...come on now...!!"
The girl looked down right below her window and saw her downstairs neighbour lying on her balcony. And she was covered with blood. She was bleeding and crying. And the girl didn't understand which was more horrible.
She heard the sounds of ambulance and closed the window. quietly
Right then the doorbell rang. She run to the door and opened it. It was her father who had come home. It was he who told the girl what had happened downstairs.
He had just parked his car when he had noticed the ambulance in front of the house. He also saw a man covered with massive quantities of blood rushing into a taxi and taking off.
Then the father had asked the 3 guys what had happened.
They told him they had been partying. They plus another guy and their girlfriends.
Anyway, at one moment the 4th guy had just lost it. He went crazy and beat her girlfriend.
The 3 guys said that they didn't recognise their friend anymore. He had gone into shock. And he just punched and punched and punched.
By that time the ambulance had brought the girl out from the apartment. She couldn't move, she couldn't speak. She was half dead.
And then the father had come upstairs.
And he told his daughter: Look what women can do to men. They can drive their men so crazy that they lose their minds and beat their girlfriends to death.
And the girl fell to her knees. Because she went so weak. And she begun crying.
Her father told her that crying is pointless because neither of them knew the downstairs neighbours as the people were new in the house and they might as well be drug addicts.
But the girl didn't stop crying. She cried and cried.
She didn't cry for the girl that the ambulance took away. She didn't cry for the man who had lost his mind.
She cried because her father found so many excuses why not to feel for the girl. Why it was okay that somebody almost took her life.
Because it was her fault anyway. Because she had driven his man crazy anyway. Because she was a drug addict anyway.
And the girl couldn't look into his fathers eyes anymore. And he couldn't look into other mens' eyes either.
She was so scared. So frightened.
Because she felt that men have cold hearts. She felt their hearts were made of ice. And it made her so sad that she would have given her life just to get rid of that evilness in mens hearts.
Maybe in the 22nd century somebody somewhere will find a secret garden. And inside it will be all the good parts of the hearts and all the good souls had gotten lost. And then men will get their good hearts back.
But until that time...
a little girl is terribly scared of the mankind. She knows it sounds stupid. But she feels that every single man that she meets... Maybe... maybe one day she would drive them crazy enough... and then she would be the one lying on the balcony, blood dripping from her mouth.
She looks at the almost full moon and wishes that men would prove her to be wrong. Because she loves men, she loves her father more than anything. But she just needs proof that there is no such garden that holds all the good souls.
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A little story
Saturday, 17 May 2008
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