Blonde Mafia Ganja Island

Okay so I went to this grill party last night...
Wait, before I can go on, I have to go back in time and tell about what happened in my apartment one night.

I was vacuming downstairs in the middle of the night and I had cleaned all the rooms except the cabinet. So I opened the door and there was this HUGE spider on the floor. Firstly, for 3 seconds I couldn't move, secondly, I started screaming and run upstairs, thirdyly, I cried for 15 minutes. I called my father and told him that I couldn't go downstairs to turn off the lights or close the doors or put away the vacum cleaner because there was a spider. I asked my father if he could come here (he lives 40km out of the city :P) and he said that it's too late but he will come first thing in the morning & I should go and turn off the lights because he is the one who has to pay the electricity bills. So I continued crying because no way on earth was I going to go down there.
Then I came on msn and noticed my childhood buddy M was online and I told him that I had been crying for half an hour and I couldn't go downstairs in the morning to take a shower because there was this...monster standing there.
And then my friend said: Okay...I'll come there if I can stay for the night.
And I agreed.
A second later I looked down & there was a wasp on the carpet. A WASP!
I was like...are you kidding me??
Fortunately, I am not scared of wasps or bees, we used to feed them with sugar from the hand when we were smaller. I took a glass and put the wasp inside it and then threw the wasp out of the window.

Soon my friend was here.
But the spider wasn't.
My friend looked everywhere! Like, seriously, everywhere.
I sat on the stairs, with my eyes closed, and our dialogue looked somewhat like this:

Me: Did you look under the bed?
He: Yes.
Me: Did you look behind the washing machine?
He: Yes.
Me: Did you move the couch?
He: Yes.
Me: Did you crawl under the stairs?
He: Yes.
Me: Are you sure you looked behind the closet?
He: Yes, 2 times.

...and so on. :D
He was really helpful and I'm damn lucky to have a friend like that. He didn't find the spider though and we ended up watching CSI New York (one of the characters has my name :D there )until the early morning.


So...yesterday I was sitting in my room when my other childhood friend M called (this time a girl) and asked if I would like to go to her place to grill and chill. :D I agreed of course. But the thing is that she lives pretty far. So I called M (the boy) and asked if he could give me a lift but he said that he was 100km out of town playing poker. So then I used some of my feminine wisdom and said that he could come to the grill party too and I'd play poker with him. ;) And yehuuu he agreed. An hour and a half later he was here.
And so was the spider.
I was downstairs, putting shoes on when I saw the damn thing right in front of the door. I called M and said: OMG THE SPIDER, IT'S HERE! YOU HAVE TO COME UP HERE! FAST!
So he came up to my apartment (don't ask which floor I live, I don't remember it. Usually I don't notice I'm on the wrong floor before I've gone to the wrong apartment and eaten everything there is to eat from the fridge.) He wanted to kill the spider but I've never killed any and I don't want them to be killed near me either. So he took a newspaper, put the spider on it,and then he ran...I don't know how many floors downstairs and threw the monster into the bushes.

Ufffff....I'm free at last. For 2 weeks I had to look under blankets and shoes and stuff suspiciously. Now I can live in a normal way again.

The grillparty itself was great. At some point one guy asked where the candles were or something and the other guy told him: In the living room, near the fish (my girl-friend M has an aquarium) and the first guy shouted with real surprise on his face: FISH? IN THE LIVING ROOM?
XD we were all like...XD AHAAHAHAHA..come on...THINK....XD
He probably pictured some nice big sharks swimming around the TV. :D

Everything about that night was so chill. Learned some new neat words for waterpipe equipment. XD Like the thing that goes on top of the pipe is "capsule". XD
One of the guys kept asking me: Hey...what is under the capsule. Hey...I think there something wrong with the capsule...Hey...what's the capsule for.
I was like: Fck, I'll put YOU in the fkn capsule if you wont shut up. XD (in a friendly way of course)
He also told us that if you close your fingers around your dogs nose and blow into the dogs nose, then it's eyes will bubble. He asked me if I had ever done it.
I told him that I had never even thought about it because it's sick. XD But I asked him about the breed of his dog.
And the other guy said: He has Pekinese Eye Bubbler
XDXDXD

God, thinking of grill nights makes me hungry. I really like meat. Like pure grilled meat. With no potatoes or salad or whatever. Just plain meat. And a knife and a fork.
Njamnjamnjam.

I'm supposed to go to Italy on wednesday. But I'm sure about it as I have no plane tickets or no hotels booked. We'll see.

Ps. History exam was difficult. I hope I'll get 20/ 100 points, then I'll pass.

Aaa...I wanted to write about the dream I had tonight. Me and my girl-friend M were sleeping in the same bed and it got so hot in her room in the morning because of the sun and we weren't sleeping that well. So I had this nightmare where I was at Eurovision with my whole family. Probably in Serbia or something. And I went backstage and to Dima Bilan's room. He was actually in the room but I didn't speak to him because he had this huge yellow snake around his neck and he looked kinda occupied. Anyway, on the table there was a little red bottle. I took it.
Somehow I knew that if I drink it I will die in 20 minutes, that's how long it was supposed to take. No pain, no nothing. Just 20minutes and you slowly die.
I had all these...different thoughts and memories in my head. About my life. And I saw my mother standing on the door and she looked at me with real worry in her eyes.
I thought about what I had done in my life and what I was going to do in the future. It was really realistic. And then I decided to drink it and let go of everything I had. And I did.
The next moment I was in my apartment, in my kitchen, on the little basket-chair where me and my dogs like to sit...and I lay there and I felt how I got weaker and weaker...like super realistic...I was really dying. And I was completely alone. And suddenly I felt a little bit sad that I was dying. I felt sad.
And I saw my father standing infront of me and he told me where he was going the next day and what he was going to do. And I felt even more sad because I could not do those things with him. Because I was going to die in less than 10 minutes.
My vision got blurry and I felt extremely weak and I closed my eyes...and I thought how this life had ended for me...and how it was actually a damn good life...and I should have enjoyed it longer. And then I felt scared because I didn't know where I would born again ( you see, I believe in reincarnation) and I felt so sad that my heart ache... I felt it was stupid of me to end this life...

...and then yep, I woke up. I had slept for 2 hours or something. And yeah, I didn't think much about my dream, but I remember so well what a relief it was to realize that I was still alive.
Now that I think about it...in my dream I lived through my death...and I really understood that I love the people who I have with me in this life and I... I love my life.
It was so realistic. It scared me. I really decided to die in my dream.
I think I need to change some things in my life.

...Ciao

Mul on k�ht t�hi ja siis ma kinnitan endale, et pakk m�slit kell 12 ��sel on sama kalorsusega, mis t�kike lehtsalatit v�i klaas vett p�evasel ajal. Mis see m�sli siis ikka �ra ei ole. Mingi pagana hein koos kuivatatud viinamarjadega.

Kui m�tlema hakata siis on peale kalorsuse ka muid ohte, mis v�ivad sind �llatada juhul kui sa ei tea kust v�i kuidas toit su lauale on saanud. N�iteks seesama m�sli. Paratamatult v�ivad peas hakata keerlema igatsugu arutlused nendesamade rosinate teemal. Seet�hendab, rosinad keerlevad k�ll juba p�rasoole kandis, kuid m�tted, need sunnikud on juba liikunud kusagile suvisele l�unamaale kus rohelistes tunkedes pisut kiilas mees nopib prinke rohelisi marju p��sa k�ljest. P�ike l��skab ja marjad kukuvad muudkui pots ja pots vastavasse n�usse. Seej�rel t�stab mees k�e ja pistab n�pu ninna ning urgitseb seal rahuga hea hulga aega. Samal ajal kukub marjan�usse pisut k��ma ta rasvast l�ikivalt juuksetutilt k�rvade kohal.

...ja k�si m�slikarbis peatub. Tuleb v�lja, et targem oleks vist siiski klaas vett v�tta.

Kuigi...kalad seksivad vees. Kah teatud m��ral isupeletaja.

Finally they uploaded it!!!

I like the original half as much. (Donna Summers)

I feeeeeel looooooove

It was my pm in msn & I got lots of different reactions to it. :D

Mystery solved.

Estonia is looking for a superstar. And it's Jana Kask. No doubt.

My favourite.

He is also in the Eurovision but with another song. He was the winner of the fifth season Israel "American Idol".

And this particular song I can't stop listening to. What an a m a z i n g voice.
Not to mention how I love the sound of the language.
Plus I really love walls of clay in english too. It's such a good song.
I get so emotional when I listen to it.

The boys name is Boaz Mauda.

Vote for him. I will.

So I just got home from the cosmetics and I have to share because the whole visit made me laugh. And that's something 'cause usually they make me depressed. Unless they do these really neat stuff like massages and make up and masks and things like that. I'm addicted to beauty salons.

I was sitting there behind the door and I was totally startled because there was this huge picture of a guy. It was a close up on his face which looked as if he had lived through a nuclear war. It was acne but it was bloody and it looked terrible, like a vulcano explosion on the face.
I went in and we talked blablabla about different things, I was about to fall asleep (I tend to do that when I lie down) when suddenly she asked me if I saw the picture in the corridor. I was like yeayea, horrible. And she was like: yeah it's a bit like what you have.
I opened my eyes: "What, you mean the guy who looked like a car run over his face?"
She said that yes yes exactly, but you're not so bad of course. Maybe it's because you're tanned.

...

I mean, I was gobsmacked. XD But thankfully it just made me laugh out loud. That woman really knows hows to put it gently. :D
But actually I really liked her, she was gentle and really nice. A very pleasant experience I must say. I will visit her again tomorrow.

I should have gone to my history exam class today but hey...beauty salons kinda interest me more. Sorrryyyy. :P

I have a meeting with my magazine editor in chief and all the other editors. We're talking about the fee I hope. I really need some money.

Mmmmmuahh take care, I have to study history now.

My friend has this really annoying italian guy she has been speaking to for a long time. And she said she gave him an octopus on Facebook (you can give "gifts" there on the profile) but he deleted it. :(
It makes me laugh. :D I've been 19 for 2 days now & my friend a lot longer and we still act like idiots.
It's good to know that some things never change in life.

The day started pretty well but turned to shit in the evening. I wish I could live like Cinderella, then everything would turn into pumpkins.
I bet I could get many pumpkin recipes on the net.
Please God let me think about something else than food.

I'm an emo kid tonight. Except the black hair and the fringe. Like...I look horrible with a fringe...eww. I could never be a true emo. I don't like their style. Too many...skulls and stars and stuff on their sweaters. I mean, I love stars...but not this way.

As you probably understood I have nothing to write about.
I wanted to write about these really emotional things I have in my head and my heart right now. But some people have already mentioned that my blog is pretty sad often. And I don't wanna look like a freakin' emo.
Just that most of the things that want to get out of me turn into sad emo crap. Oh why couldn't they turn into pumpkins, I'm tellin ya.

I bought jelly today and by a miracle it didnt fall on the ground in the groceries. Like it happened last time with that...strange dessert ...I don't think they have a word for it in english. In estonian it's roosamanna. :D Isn't it a cool word? Name your dog that and I'll kiss you. (Looks with surprise in her eyes how the crowd runs away.) Okay, name your dog that and I wont kiss you (Everybody rushes to the pet shop.)
Well...duh...last time I wanted to buy roosamanna and then it slipped through my fingers and fell on the ground and all over the place. And I started laughing istantly. There was an older man who just stood there and looked at me. And he was shocked. I have no idea why. Men are funny sometimes. He was probably thinking: OH MY GOD, WHAT IS GONNA HAPPEN NOW?!
Because for him the food is always on the table. But how it gets there or what happens after he's done...he has no idea. And when he sees food on the ground...for him it's like...seeing wild animals shaving.
Ee...I have the best examples, don't I?
So..today I bought jelly and...

this is so boring that my great great grandmother just turned in her grave. I believe she was swedish so I have no concerns with zombies whatsoever at the moment.

*goes to the kitchen to get some jelly*

Have you ever tried to eat jelly with your fingers? I don't recommend it. But I don't have a spoon.

Hey does someone wanna rescue me? I'll give that person an award.
Please come and rescue me from my life. It doesn't matter how. With love, with food, with friendship, with a gun. You pick.
I'll be like really grateful. And don't forget the award. You can have whatever you want.
Okay..not whatever 'cause I aint got a lot. I don't have lots of money and cars. But you can get...well..make up (lots & lots...ps. I have this really cute midnight blue eyeshadow...it glitters too!) and you can get my room and my...my jewelry..and you can have... me. You can take me for yourself. I'll do the laundry or something. Really. I'm so tired.
Would someone please?
Rescue me...
Pull me free...

:)

(this is the sad kind of a smiley. You know, when the person is smiling but actually she/he has these really sad eyes and they look tired too. And the whole smile is a bit worn out but very warm at the same time because with that smile she/he wants to tell you that everything is okay (but actually it's not) just so that you would not worry. It's the smile you get from your mother when she is sick or the smile you get from your best friend after she/he has been in a car accident and lost her left foot but she/he doesnt want you to cry anymore. Anyway, this was the smile.
I haven't lost any feet though, I promise. Just a bit sad)


I was in the kitchen a moment ago to get some more jelly (you wont believe how much jelly can a girl stuff down her throat after midnight) when I heard this strange noise like my dogs make when they jump off the couch. I realized it was just the front door of the house (I live in an apartment).
I started thinking that the noise my dogs make is so cool...it's like...they jump down and as they are quite heavy then their nails make this specific sound on the parquet. Like rain on the window. Or when I was little then in my country side house I slept in the attic and I loved the sound of the rain on the roof.
They jump and all their 4 paws touch the ground a second later than the other ones. It's really quick too. It's like this little quick driving rain.
I guess I could say my dogs rain down from the couches.
My little dogs who rain down.

You don't know what just happened. I cut my finger with jelly.
I must be the first person in the world to do that. I should get into the Guinness Book Of World Records. Yeap,there's blood and everything. Fucking jelly.

I guess it's time for me to stop blogging now. Unless there's someone who wants to more about jelly. Then feel free to give me a call.

Ciao my loved ones.

Tonight I'm at my parents place.
So after the sauna I went to the kitchen and while waiting for my hair to dry and my face to go from red to normal snow-white, I opened a newspaper.
And man, I have to tell you - reading an estonian nespaper can sometimes be like reading a good book.
I wasn't reading the ordinary newspaper from which you get infromation about the war in Iraq or economical growth of Estonia, I was reading one of the extras. You know these thin papers they put in the middle of the actual newspaper and which always slide out and fall on the ground when you take them out of the mailbox. If it's a sunny day, it may not happen but they ALWAYS slide out when it's raining. Maybe it's just my own personal lack of luck. I mentioned to my friend a couple of days ago how anything can happen in Estonia BUT winning a million on the lottery and she told me that the norwegians always win on them. Damn those norwegians.

In these extras they usually write about music and books and culture in all its various wild and interesting forms. (I'd say art exhibitions are quite wild don't you think?)
And it's really interesting to read what estonian people think of one or another thing. And it's so...it's so familiar...the way they write I mean, makes me feel at home. And wow, actually I am at home. But most of the time I feel like Estonia's not really the place I feel I would want to raise my family and live my life but an hour of reading the papers made me more patriotic then sitting in the third row at the huge Singing Festival we have here & and where all the kids and grownups gather and then over a hundred thousand people sing their lungs out. And it's supposed to make you feel you love your country and the m********rs who are sitting behind you and kicking the leg of your chair to the beat of the music. Just because you're both estonian & you both have to drive home through the center of Tallinn & buy new tires the day after that.

Anyway, back to where I was.
So I read people's thoughts on Kadri K�usaare's film "Magnus" which won several prizes in other countries but which isn't allowed to be played in here because there were problems with a mother who didn't like that her son's life was pictured in that film if I'm not wrong. So in Estonia...we can see it in cinemas and in TV after 7 years. That's how long it has to wait. Of course the director and everybody else invloved in making the film are extremely disappointed.
But in the newspaper they were discussing - why seven years?! Why seven not six or five or four. And the author came to a conclusion that the judge in the court must've thought that seven is a magical number and even the God finished his work on the seventh day.
And I was like: L O L
It's so...estonian. To make ironic remarks about everything. Even the things which shouldn't make us laugh at all.
I've grown up with the sadistic jokes that my father and my brother told me when I was little. :) And I've developed my own creepy sence of humour which has gotten a nice touch of irony through the long years of basic and high school. :)
I always notice how foreigners don't understand estonian jokes. They either feel insulted or get utterly confused. But it's understandable because they don't have newspapers like we do. :)))

For the first time I feel I would like to write for a newspaper, I would like to be a journalist, JUST to be a part of those estonians. Be a part of the people who live in this wacky kind of cool country where all sorts of shitty things happen but which give the people living here a reason to write some really neat stuff. I wanna be one of the cool kids. And let me tell you, all the authors of the articles had their pictures under the headline and they looked somewhat forty and had beards (yes, women too). :D
I mean...if Estonia would be one big pink dream then the nation itself would soon turn into pointless brainless bunch of idiots who have nothing to ironize about.

I remember how my literature teacher said that the easiest thing is to ironize and in the next essay she didn't want any of us to do that.
And I was like...daaaamnn...
But when I go to the internet...then on forums there are people from other countries who don't know how to be sarcastic at all.
That makes me think if other literature teachers in other countries would repeat what my teacher said.

As weird as it seems, this is one of the things that makes me want to be an estonian. Really, reading those articles made me think how god damn clever and witty we are.

Enough of that, I believe I've made several italians angry by now. :D

I read a review of an book describing the city and people of Istanbul. That's like exactly for me! I will go and buy that book tomorrow. It's Orhan Pamuk's "Istanbul: Memories and the city".
From that review I got an interesting thought: "To be unhappy means to hate yourself and your city".
I think it's so true.
It was also said that the author was trying to find something from Istanbul that would make a man happy. I hope to catch that while reading and use it in Tallinn too. It will be a bit difficult of course if it happens to be the Bosphorus or something like that. :D

So, the other thing I wanted to mention was actually on the next page of the newspaper: The bookcharts from february to april 2008.
And number four was the Quran.
It doesn't really suprise me that so many estonians have recently bought themselves Qurans because there are a lot of people who are educated and interested of different countries and religions.
So, this is another thing I want to buy tomorrow.

And that is how I never seem to have enough money to buy food for the evening. :) I guess it will be muesli again. :D

Oh didn't even notice, it's over midnight & that should mean Im 19 now. Well, happy birthday to me.
Being 18 was interesting. It was by far the coolest year of my life. It was the most fun I've EVER had, truly, so many crazy jokes and unbelievable situations. It was also interesting and educating, I got to travel VERY much. Pretty much all year round I was travelling.
I also made a great great amazing new friend who I love with all my heart & the best thing is that she loves me as much! It feels better than anything!
It was the saddest year in my life. I have never ever ever been so so so sad. I practically died.

So I could say it was a damn cool year. Fuck yeah, may you all have your 18th year as exciting as I had!
I kinda hope the 19th one will be more calm.
But still, I want it to rock my world! I'm much more smarter and experienced now. I also have some goals and I've understand the essence of people a bit. Just a bit.
By the way, I think 19 is my favourite number. My birthday has always been on the 19th of May so it's an important day and an important number for me... plus it's really graceful, calm and I don't know...fresh. :)
My mom was so funny. We were grilling in the garden today and my bro and his girl came over and wished me happy bday (although it was still the 18th) and then suddenly my mother came with this big golden really beautiful wrapped up thingy and said: It's your pre-gift!
I was like: XD XD XD Nobody in the world has pre-gifts XD but I do! :D
It was like this really beautiful romantical teacup with tea-strainer and a tray. All covered with roses. And a diary from the same set, covered with roses. And also a silver bracelet.
It's so sweet when your mother remembers you have an allergy to something and then she avoids that thing like open fire. :) I happen to have an allergy for metal bracelets and necklaces and whatever metal things that rub against my skin. And she was like: "I made 100% sure it's silver! And if it's not...I swear...I'm gonna go to that lady and..."
:D
I was sitting in the garden, in the hammock, turning the pages of my new diary when my mom came and sat next to me and said: So do you like 'em? I know you never complain but still...
And I was like: awwww...
I told her that it was perfect and it was very ME.
She was more happy than me because of the gift. And I was more happy because she said I never complain. :D
And I never complain because she raised me so well. :)
My bro and his girl gave me a Johnny Depp's biography. :) <3>

Drink up my hearties yo ho! :)

There is a girl who is very scared of mankind.
She is scared and at the same time worried. She is worried about what will become of this world she is living in. What will become of other people who live in that world. There is a girl who is terrified of mankind.

She is looking into fire at a grillparty during night. And on the flames she sees the reflection of his father drinking cognac. What a beautiful beautiful colour is the colour of cognac.
And she lifts her eyes and meets her best friends' grandfathers eyes. And then he looses the ground beneath his feet. He loses the ground because that night he found the colour of vodka to be more beautiful than the colour of his wifes eyes.
Soon the girl goes into car and they drive home. She and her parents. And the moon is almost full.

And in that car the girl realizes who much it hurts when her father reminds her how much evilness he has in his heart. Or lack of goodness as somebody once told her. You can name it as you want.
And the girl is not insulted by the words her father throws at her. Nor does she get offended by the little kicks on the back of her chair, as she is sitting in the front, next to the driver who is her mother. And she doesn't even make a sound when her father pulls her hair.
The weird thing is that she doesn't feel angry at all. She is an adult now and she has the right to get furious. But no. And she is not scared either. Not anymore.

When she was little she was scared, she was terrified. And her eyes were always full of tears at moments like these. But this time the feelings are different. No anger, no fear.
Instead her tears tell of deep deep sadness in her heart.
She is sad because of her fathers' heart which contains so much evilness. So much hatred. So much anger.

And tears fill her eyes. Just like when she was little. Because her love, her father... he is just like everybody else.
And she feels she can never feel safe around men. Because her safe place, her safe feeling...her fathers' lap... is not safe at all.

She used to love him. She always loved her. But she also noticed how cold and angry he could be. How little he sometimes cared about the things she found important.
She always thought that he is just tired, he is just a silly little dad who doesn't quite understand what a girl could feel.
But she grew up and found other men to be like that too. When in deep trouble, then they kind of faded away. They did not care. They did not give a shit anymore. And their hearts were so cold as they never really had been hot at all.

She stays up all night, watching the almost full moon. And she understands that the people she wants to talk the most - men
they will laugh at her.
They will laugh at her silly little thoughts and they will mock the way she gets so timid when she speaks. They will feel bigger and stronger and better. And they will make her feel like a dog.
And dogs sleep outside.

And she wont even mention it to those different from her own sex. Because she knows it is not nice to preach others. And nobody wants to hear bad things. Besides you can never judge everybody by just a few samples.
But then she realizes that there have been more than just a few.
She also realizes that she could tell all the men in the world what she thought about them and their hearts but it wouldn't change a thing. Because for some reason something or someone between big fluffy white clouds...has set those things like this. For some reason that something or someone thought that this is how things should be and that little girl can cry as much as she wants.
That scares the girl. She is scared of how she is going to live on.
And the moon is almost full.

Suddenly she understands that... when some time ago she gave her heart to somebody and was then left alone brutally...Left to cry her thoughts into seas and oceans...Then she thought that some people just have very cruel hearts. Very cold hearts.
And now... she understands ... that same kind of heart has always beat right next to hers at home. That same heart gave her a life.
And that just takes all the safeness away from the world. There is just none left. When the person who made you... is just like others.

The next day the girl came home to her apartment. Soon she fell asleep in her bed, trying to forget what she had thought about the night before. She really had slept only a few hours so she was very tired.

She woke up to the sounds of men shouting. She tried to fall asleep again but it was useless. They kept shouting and she kept tossing and turning.
Suddenly she could bet she had heard crying. A little child crying somewhere. And she got up instantly. Because every girl would do that. Every girl in this world is supposed to be a mother one day.
She got up and went to the window. She opened it and looked down.
Infront of her house was a parking lot and there were 3 guys looking up and shouting: "Come on...get down...come on now...!!"
The girl looked down right below her window and saw her downstairs neighbour lying on her balcony. And she was covered with blood. She was bleeding and crying. And the girl didn't understand which was more horrible.
She heard the sounds of ambulance and closed the window. quietly

Right then the doorbell rang. She run to the door and opened it. It was her father who had come home. It was he who told the girl what had happened downstairs.

He had just parked his car when he had noticed the ambulance in front of the house. He also saw a man covered with massive quantities of blood rushing into a taxi and taking off.
Then the father had asked the 3 guys what had happened.
They told him they had been partying. They plus another guy and their girlfriends.
Anyway, at one moment the 4th guy had just lost it. He went crazy and beat her girlfriend.
The 3 guys said that they didn't recognise their friend anymore. He had gone into shock. And he just punched and punched and punched.
By that time the ambulance had brought the girl out from the apartment. She couldn't move, she couldn't speak. She was half dead.

And then the father had come upstairs.
And he told his daughter: Look what women can do to men. They can drive their men so crazy that they lose their minds and beat their girlfriends to death.

And the girl fell to her knees. Because she went so weak. And she begun crying.
Her father told her that crying is pointless because neither of them knew the downstairs neighbours as the people were new in the house and they might as well be drug addicts.
But the girl didn't stop crying. She cried and cried.
She didn't cry for the girl that the ambulance took away. She didn't cry for the man who had lost his mind.
She cried because her father found so many excuses why not to feel for the girl. Why it was okay that somebody almost took her life.
Because it was her fault anyway. Because she had driven his man crazy anyway. Because she was a drug addict anyway.

And the girl couldn't look into his fathers eyes anymore. And he couldn't look into other mens' eyes either.

She was so scared. So frightened.

Because she felt that men have cold hearts. She felt their hearts were made of ice. And it made her so sad that she would have given her life just to get rid of that evilness in mens hearts.

Maybe in the 22nd century somebody somewhere will find a secret garden. And inside it will be all the good parts of the hearts and all the good souls had gotten lost. And then men will get their good hearts back.

But until that time...
a little girl is terribly scared of the mankind. She knows it sounds stupid. But she feels that every single man that she meets... Maybe... maybe one day she would drive them crazy enough... and then she would be the one lying on the balcony, blood dripping from her mouth.

She looks at the almost full moon and wishes that men would prove her to be wrong. Because she loves men, she loves her father more than anything. But she just needs proof that there is no such garden that holds all the good souls.

Elle aime en rire � en rire
Mais pour le pire � le pire
Tu cris Stella ohohoh
Stella ohoh...

(Luke - Stella)

Okay, it was mothers day on sunday. I remembered it on saturday evening when my mother called and asked if I was gonna visit them. LOL
I decided to write something for her, like a little story or smth...about my feelings and stuff like that. But I was too tired and ended up watching TV instead.
I don't normally watch TV, I don't have time for it, plus it's so boring. I can't concentrate on it for more than 4 minutes. I practically count seconds until the commercials start and I can close the damn thing.
But this time I saw a film with Rowan Atkinson. It was called "Keepin Mum". It was in cinemas a bunch of months ago & I never had time to go and see it.
And I swear...it was like...one of the best films I've seen in a long time. Exactly for my taste. And it didn't get cheesy in the end or anything. It was super.
I'd tell more about the film, but some suckers haven't seen it and I'd ruin it for them.

Anyway, I got an idea from that film. You see, Atkinson played a priest or smth like that, and he read The Song Of The Salomon from the Bible. And it sounded...almost hypnotical. Very beautiful....very melodical...calming...romantical. I'm gonna add a link so you can listen to it on youtube. Ignore the video though.





So I thought I'd like to read the longer version of it. And I found it on the internet & it was really beautiful. Then I took out my estonian bible. It's like...the biggest book you've ever seen, I swear. Nobody in our family is religious, so it was covered with dust ...and the remains of dinosaurs. (I had to use a shovel to get it out from the bookshelf)
Actually the song is like a conversation between a man and a woman, about love and sex... and rock'n'roll. Okay the last part wasn't true. XD
So I took only the woman parts and wrote them on this huge paper...A3...and drew a bit and stuff. I really did it with all my heart and thought about my mother the whole time. The handwriting came out a bit wobbly and the picture's not much of a picture but still...I did it for more than 5 hours.



The next day I went to my parents house and gave it to her and added that I really mean what I wrote and it comes straight from my heart. And I swear, when I looked into my mothers eyes, I thought: omg, she is exactly like me because she gets emotional when people tell or do stuff like this. And I would get emotional too. I wouldn't hide it, so didn't she. And the way her eyes got full of tears... At least I know where I got my emotionality and emphaty. Because I really am a very epmphatic person and when somebody shares a worry with me, I really feel it and live it through with them.
I also felt that...it didn't matter what I wrote...for her it was more important that I said ...I mean it, mom.
I think I will blog about my mother some other day more. I feel I have some things I have to say. Plus I will post the english translation of the thing I wrote to her. It really is beautiful.




------

All electricity went away in my apartment the other night by the way. And I called my dad: "Hey, is it possible that all the lamps burn out on 2 floor in one night at the same time?"
My dad was like: "...no..."
Me: "Okay, ciao"

then 30seconds later my phone rings:
Dad: "S?"

:D anyway, I found out that one of my neighbours pulled out the cable or something like that because my music was too loud. It has never happened to me before, I was totally shocked.But I guess they were those mother and son living upstairs. I used to go to the same school with the boy and one time we went swimming with our class and his mother was one of the moms who drove us with her car. I happened to be in their car and I still remember how...we were about 8 years old...there was somebody who almost hit the car and then the boys mother said: flip him the bird
And everybody in the car laughed and thought : what a cool mom!!!
But not me.I thought it was immature and not feminine. Don't get me wrong, I've been using my midde finger pretty carefree over the times, but still...I don't think a mother should said this to her little son. I felt it was stupid.
Anyway, here we are again. I guess she just said to her son: go and kill the girl and then steal her speakers. Lol
They suck, like totally.
The best part is, why I actually even mentioned this electricity thing, that ahahahaha...all lights went down BESIDES the lamp in my room and my computer and my speakers and subwoofer, ahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I bet they were a bit surprised when the music kept on playing.
XDXD
I'm telling you, God has mercy on blondes. Maybe the fact that I was reading bible helped.
:D


The other thing I wanted to write about was how me and M went out one night some weeks ago and then after coming from the club, outside, one guy stopped me and said: Can we take a picture of you two?

I was like: aaaaa....naaaaaah

But my friend said yes, like always.

I don't really get the thrill from letting people take pictures of me at 4 in the morning after dancing and drinking for several sweaty hours. Anyway, the guy took lots of pics and I'm pretty sure he zoomed me. Which is not nice.

Then they asked if we had boyfriends and I pulled SEMU from my bag and the guys, who were actually brazilians, were like: wow..he looks...wow...interesting.

They flipped the postcard and noticed there was something written on the back. I said it's in finnish 'cause SEMU is finnish. So the brazilians said with proud in their voices: tomorrow we are going to Helsinki. Do you know Helsinki?

Me and my friend very ironically said: nooooooooooooooo

Should I mention that every single estonian has been to Finland for...I don't know...six hundred and seventy eight times?

So he asked if I could read what it said.

And I read it.

And then the next line was in swedish and the guy asked me if I could read swedish. I was like: yeyea sure, I'm half swedish, I can speak it fluently.

Basically, I lied. :D

By that time a third brazilian had joined us. His looks were....lets say he falls into the category of "a snake with glasses". When I was a child we had a russian cartoon...animals in the jungle...there was a parrot..and a corocodile...and also a snake with glasses. Well, you can imagine it.

So I did my best swedish accent with all the ups and downs of the voice and everything. And the guys were super serious. And then the third guy said: I've been living in Stockholm for 5 years.

XDXDXDXD

shit!!!! XD

Tonight happened this rather cool thing. I was sitting in the middle of the night with my friend M on the grass on some random corner in the Old Town drinking wine when about 3 guys and a girl walked past and invited us to Kuku club. I've never been there and as I was rather drunk I agreed to join them. I was sitting on a hillside, higher than the street and there was like a...wall...from which I had to jump down. And the guy stood there and wanted to help me and I remember I said: Go away damnit, you'll get severe damages. And the girl and the rest of the boys laughed.Which is funny because usually girls you don't know don't laugh at your jokes unless they are lesbians. Whiiiiich kinda makes me wonder now...*glnks*

So we went to the club and as we stood there I suddenly noticed a familiar face. It was E! My old friend! We went to 5th grade together and we were deskmates. We had tons of fun back then, both about 12 years old and totally crazy. We used to watch Beavis & Butthead together and then we decided I was Beavis and she was Butthead and we drew ourself passports with pictures and visas and everything. I even had a drivers licence. I remember once we walked around in our school and tried to arrest guys 5 years older than we were, with our Beavis & Butthead FBI badges, and then one of the guys poured a bucket of water on E. She was soaking wet! And then we went to schoolyard and played with little glass marbles as if everything was okay and others looked at us like....whattheheck. :) I think a lot of people were jealous of us because we really were good friends and always laughing and it was never boring for us. Anyway, now I met her again and I hadn't seen her for 7 years, because she moved to another city, Virtsu, it's like ...far. :D And then we lost contact & I always kinda felt that she didn't like me anymore because once I tried to send her an e-mail and she never replied. I really liked how warm she was now. She was like: S!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and I was like E!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D And we changed numbers immediately and she said she would like to meet me as soon as possible. I was like...yeayea we'll see about that... But after we went into separate directions she sent me a SMS saying S you havent changed a bit!!! And I was like awwww.... And this morning she called me! And said she would really like to meet me tonight. Like how sweet is that! Amazing. :) I love when people are open and lovely with me, then all my best features come out too, because I like to be openhearted and lovely too! :D I guess you could call me a human mirror, because I reflect how you act with me. If you are nice, then I am very very nice, I am normal me. But if you treat me like shit, then it's very hard for me to go back to being the same person. I will always remember and I will be cold for a long time. I can be nice, but I'm distant. I think it has a lot to do with my zodiac sign.

Anyway, this post is already longer than it should be. My bible got scared. I'll stop now. :) Have a nice day, I'm going back to sleep. Come on,it's 1pm, perfect time for sleeping.

Okay, I just had to post.
It's the 6th of may.

7 months have passed.
I'm almost over it. Yeah, I can live normally.
7 months.

Don't EVER repeat what one of my friends once carelessy threw at me: You'll forget it by next week.
Never.
I'm S.


And I just have to add, I'm gonna freakin' win THIS battle totally one day. Thoroughly.
In october it was called The Battle of Estonia.
let's have another ending this time. Let's end it like this: The Battle In Which I'm Better.
Fuck yeah.


Please cry for me, heartbreaker.

:)

CIAO CIAO CIAO CIAO CIAO CIAO CIAO

I am smiling. I AM SMILING!
I feel so freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

my loves, my dear sweet ones...if you'd only know...that I didn't believe I would make it. But I did. And I am proud.
I am smiling. 7 months later and I am smiling. I really can smile if I want to. :)
I feel stronger. And older. I feel very many things. I feel I can handle everything now.

Thank you WW, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Do you remember that night in December. In the middle of the night. Almost morning. I called you.
I couldn't breathe. Do you remember?
You helped me breathe.
Thank you.

I still feel what I felt then, because I have this inside of me. That particular feeling I had that night.
But it's not a bad thing. It's good that I never completely lose those emotions.
The main thing is that they don't disturb me anymore.

I just want to tell the world, this part of the world that maybe did not understand:

It was real. It was really real what I felt. That pain. And it killed me. All the time little parts of me died and died and died and died.

And now it is just so incredible for me. I can sit here. During the night. And I don't feel sad. I can feel sad if I want. But I don't have that horrible sadness inside of me.
It is amazing.
Because it lasted for so long. And every single, EVERY S I N G L E night I felt it. And day. It wasnt better in the daytime.
I don't know if you understand how amazing it is for me, to just sit and feel nothing. :) I can read a book or eat chocolate. I can do those things. And think about tomorrow. :)

I still feel bad sometimes. Dont get me wrong. I still do. And I feel sad.
But it's not like THAT anymore..like it was before. Now it's normal. Like normal thing. Normal sadness.

I really wanted to make this post longer than just 1 sentence because it was a horrible experience and now...finally...

I can call it over.

Over.

Let's see what life brings for Blonde-Mafia now.

I was supposed to write a really funny blog today. About hilarious things that have happened recently and people who I've met. But instead, quite serious thoughts invaded my mind.
How is it that even the people you love, have to go through hard times? The people who don't really deserve it.
I talked with my grandmother today, on the phone. I really love hearing her voice because she is mine. She is my granny and once she took great care of me. And I'm not one of those to forget.
I don't like to listen young people talk shit about their grandparents. There can be some silly moments that are innocent and make you laugh, but I don't like when things get a bit too cruel.

Anyway, she told me that she hasn't been feeling well and her health is a bit off the road.
Yeayea, I know, everyone says that old people talk a lot about their medical condition and stuff, but not my granny. She hardly ever mentions things like that. And now she did & I'm worried.

Last time I saw her, she was making jokes and laughing and suddenly she mentioned how she can't see with her left eye at all anymore and how sometimes it's a bit difficult to manage some things as if it is the silliest little thing in the world...and I swear...I got this pain in my heart listening to her....and it hasn't gone away. Even writing about me makes me cry, and I'm no cry-baby.
I just...I think that God or whoever made a big mistake by letting old folks suffer with their health. My granny held me in her lap each time I got hurt. And now when she is hurt, I can't do anything. I can't even turn back the freakin' clock. Unfair. Unfair. So unfair.
I wish I could hold her until the pain goes away. And I wouldn't mind if she'd wep. I'd tell her how outside birds sing on the trees and how sun keeps getting warmer and warmer because the summer is coming.

I guess I'm just so afraid of losing her that it really makes me lose my mind. I can't even say it out loud because it is way too hard to put into words. And you can't go and tell somebody that you feel sorry for them, either. Because people don't need to hear it. I think. I feel it wouldn't help.
But I feel so sorry. I feel so sad. And I'm responsible for her age. Me and my brother and my father and we all...
We made her older. And I just can't stand hearing how bravely she talks. Like when she broke her rib on the bus. She wanted to go off and somebody, a random man, pushed her. And she fell and broke a rib. And then went home and just sat all night, because she couldn't move and it hurt and she didn't want to disturb anyone.
My brave little grandmother.
My love.
Maybe she knows that when she talks about these things, we all suffer more than she did. I can see it in my fathers eyes.
For me she is the ultimate number 1. Nobody can take her place. And I know lots of superb people, but really, if...I should be born again and I could choose who to take with me, only one person. Then she would be that person.
She was my first love and she will be my last love. And I'm so so scared of the time between those 2. Especially when she is not there for me anymore. It will hurt like hell.
It already does and it's stupid, because she is perfectly happy and I am happy and everyone is happy and nothing is wrong and I should enjoy the time we can spend together and talk about the stuff we've done together.But sometimes these little sad thoughts inside of me need to get out too. So this post is for you, my dear sweet grandmother.

Temale ma valaksin sinised silmad selgest j�rveveest
ja tema juuksed, ma teeksin kuldsed kui hommikune p�ike
tema s�dant ma ei muudaks, see ongi juba k�rjemeest
ja armastan ma teda, sest ta teab me salajasi k�ike
Kas olen �elnud, et ma jumaldan ta v�ikseid krobelisi k�si
sest mu pead nad hellalt hellalt silitamast siiani ei v�si
Telekava vahele ta kirjutab mu numbri igal �htul
et ei unuks helistada enne kui ma l�hen p�hku
S�da t�mbub krampi m�eldes temale mul iga kord
nagu uluks hingeks metsikute koerte hord
Tema naeratus on nagu viiekordne sirel ilus
Tema liigutustes graatsia kui juukseid silub

Selles luuletuses tema
on mu kallis vanaema