Blonde Mafia Ganja Island

I've been very sad for the past 3 or 4 days. I went to the island where I spent all the summers as a kid. I always really look forward to going there.
It's like escaping the lights. It's where there are no broken hearts or polluted air that makes your lungs hurt.
And I'm really happy there. I stand in the middle of the hay fields and run my fingers through the hay while walking. Swallows fly over my head and I'm so happy. I'm young again. I feel the same careless happiness inside of me.
And I'm walking to the beach with no worries in my mind. No problems.
There is only me and the sunshine. The night can wait forever.

This time the weather was again, very lovely. But the clouds above the house were black and heavy.
One of my cousins is very sick and I didn't know things were so bad. I thought he was fighting, fighting and winning. Now I saw his body had given up. This fight had been too difficult.

It was such a shock to me. I felt like fainting, I stumbled out of the room and tried to hold back tears. My grandmother's 80-year-old sister held my hand and I tried to be strong for her. It's his son who's sitting there. Looking over the hay fields and setting sun through the glass door of the balcony.
At least, at least he can see something so beautiful. He spent all his summers there too.

I didn't want to write to make myself important in this situation. I don't wanna say hey look at me, I'm sad over here.
I wanted to write about the beautiful things... things I will always remember. Things he would like. Things of what he may be thinking while sitting there during hist last nights.
I feel bad for saying that. I wanna say he will have years and years to come. But... but then the sight I saw wouldn't have broken my heart. It wouldn't have broken it into millions of pieces.

I don't really know what to do, so I'm doing the only thing I can think of. I write. I write for myself and for you.
Escape from the nights with me.

The sun... it was always shining, it was so warm. My skirt was short and my knees where abraded. I had a wallet, it was green. It was covered with stickers, inside and out. I had my summer allowance in it, about 150 Estonian kroons. At that time you got an ice cream, every day, for 3 months, with that money. My favourite was raspberry.
We put the wallets on the back of the bicycle, between the luggage carrier thing. It always left marks on the wallets. We didn't mind.
And then we just hopped on the bikes and rode and sung the whole way. There were so many holes in the ground. You had to avoid them not to have an aching butt at night.
He never went to the shop close by. We always had to go further and further, faster and faster. He always rode so fast. We wanted to be just like him.
Once when we came back, I sung so loud I forgot to turn right and ended up in the harbor.
He came to get me and we went back together. I tried really hard to keep up with him and when we got back he said in front of every one that I rode really well.
For somebody like me, with really low self esteem, it was wonderful. They didn't like to give compliments to me there. I've forgiven them everything. I bet they didn't even realize it.
And then he did, and it was wonderful.

The trips with the boat were so cool. We just oared and oared for 3 hours and then had a picnic on some island. But it was always fun on the boat. He and his ironic jokes. They still make me giggle. He had hair on his toes. I remember looking at them for 3 hours. Actually 6, coz we always came back too.
He oared really well and fast. He never wanted to take the motor.

Do you understand? I need to speak of it, because they hurt me at night. These memories. They hurt when I think of them.
It's for nobody else. It's for me. Some things you just never want to forget.

I like how you called everybody "p�mmpea". :D I liked your sense of humor. I say I "liked", because I wanna remember you how you were. It's unfair you changed into this... little one hundred year old soul, when you really are a strong and beautiful man.
I'm going to remember you as you were. Everybody will.

You made so many days on the island better for us, kids. You know, with all the nagging grandmothers and aunts and mothers, there was always you and your dad, who didn't say anything bad and silently gave comfort.

I don't want to offend anyone with this post. I'm afraid I would, as I'm not a mother or a sister.
But I really want to say that family will always support each other. The people who were there when as a kid I got stung by a bee or fell with my bike, who held me. I would like to hold them now.
I'm so afraid they would not think well of me for being so sad and negative.
But the look in his mothers eyes. It already told me how things are.

No matter what, when I now look at my grandmother or her sister, I feel I love them so much my heart will explode. I wish I could take all their troubles away. They don't deserve it.
They always took my pain. Why can't I took theirs?
I guess it's like that. I'm not really important to my grandmothers sister. She doesn't think of me in times of worry or need. I can't say I would be the one who she would maybe give her troubles to, if she could.
But I would take them.

I took her little fragile body into my arms and I held her tight. We didn't say anything, but with this, I wanted to tell her, I would be there.
I don't know if she understood it, but I didn't have the strength to put it into words. I tried so much, but I'm a loser. I'm not strong like she is. I thought I would burst into tears. And it's not me who should cry, I'm not important here, I should be transparent. I should disappear from the scene to not leave an impression that it's all about me. Because it isn't.
I'm just so weak. I can't handle these things. I don't know how.

He was always the one who brought honey. We had these afternoon snack breaks, when everybody would go to the kitchen and make tons and tons of sandwiches. And whenever, he was around, we got to make some with honey and white bread.

I admired how determined he was with his yoga. How beautiful it looked. Again, we wanted to be like him.
He got up when the sun was rising, and stood on his head for 15 minutes. Without moving an inch. It was remarkable. He knew so many different poses. Each one need so much strength and calmness.

Why do I keep using past tense?? It makes tears fall down my cheeks like....like....
Maybe I'm wrong and it will all be fine? Maybe I'm a total idiot, saying the things I'm saying.
Please somebody say I'm an idiot. I would love to be one right now.
I would love.


But it's a sadness that wont leave my heart with a day or two. I feel very down and to be really honest, I just wanna go back to the island.
I wanna be there and play with grass and mud, until autumn comes and all the leaves fall down.

I want to be six again and take my wallet, covered with stickers, and head to the bike.
I want it so much. :( And all the nights in the city, without the cockroaches singing behind the windows, are making me more and more sad.

My heart is really broken right now. It's broken and it hurts. And this particular part can never be mended.

I really don't know what to say, to make it beautiful. I want it to be the most beautiful thing in the world. I want it to be so beautiful that when you close your eyes you will feel happy. I want it to be as beautiful as a hay field moving slowly in wind.
For your honor.